Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Jokes 4/13/10

Facebook is releasing a new and improved online safety site. This "safety center" will reportedly provide safety tools for parents, teachers, and law enforcement, and just about anyone else that college kids don't want to have facebooks.

Twitter has finally decided to make money through paid online advertisements. This means Ashton Kutcher won't be the only thing that is shamelessly promoted on twitter.

For it's 65th anniversary, the children's show "Thomas The Tank Engine" will now feature a new character, a train from Japan. Though don't expect this character to be around for a while, apparently the train was manufactured by Toyota.

Cambridge University is now offering tuition money to female students so they can learn "pole dancing". Now when a stripper says they are just doing this to get through college, they are finally not lying.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Jokes 4/12/10

This week Best Buy will start selling Barnes and Noble's E-reader, "The Nook". In another effort to be more like Barnes and Nobles, Best Buy will now allow homeless people to read porno magazines in their stores.

Barack Obama has announced that he will be helping to fund NASA's new program, which will try to get us to Mars, and start up a commercial "Space Taxi" service. This means space taxis will have to at least pick up one black guy.

The Vatican has finally "made peace" with Beatles, after John Lennon's 1966 comment that the band was bigger than Jesus. Later a Vatican spokesperson said "It's not like we say they're our favorite band. That's such a cop-out. We hate when people do that."

Conan O'Brien has reached a 5 year deal to do a late-night talk show for TBS. Now their moniker "TBS: Very Funny" doesn't have to only apply to the six hours of "The Office" reruns they show everyday.

This year's Pulitzer Prize winner will be announced today, and strong in the running is the tabloid magazine "The National Enquirer". If this happens, wait for next year when Glenn Beck wins an Emmy and the World Cup.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Jokes 4/7/10

Apparently Mattel is releasing a new version of Scrabble that will allow players to use proper nouns. In other news, my cousin, Jayluxz is totally real, I swear.

Nintendo and Google are teaming up to create a Wii game in which players compete to generate the most search engine results. Though gamers will find out just how easy it is to win this game once they think to use the word "porn".

A female astronaut in Japan had a fashion designer make her a high-fashion spacesuit, with a blue cardigan and shorts. Though as they say, "in space, no one can hear you talk about how awesome you think your douchey outfit is."

GM has reported losses of $4.3 billion for the second half of 2009. To put that in perspective, Toyota is still making money and their cars don't have brakes.

At the Master's tournament, the members of Tiger's threesome have been announced, which is weird because I thought they had all come forward already.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Jokes 4/5/10

It has been rumored that Bruce Springsteen has been having an affair behind his wife's back. Apparently his genitals have been on more things than the cameras at Super Bowl halftime shows.

IMAX theaters are starting to show a 3D documentary about the Hubble telescope. As kids will obviously hate this 3D movie, the company is thinking of rebranding it, with the voice of Telescope being played by Kevin James.

According to NASA, the space shuttle Discovery will have four women aboard it at once, making that the most in history. So get ready for Bravo's new show, "The Real Housewives of Space".

Rod Blagojevich has been fired on celebrity apprentice. Donald Trump said it was because he struggled as a team leader, but many assume that he was trying to sell his spot on the show to Biz Markie.

The FAA has made a new ruling that would allow pilots who are on antidepressants to fly. This came with another similar ruling, which would make it illegal for pilots to read their sad poems over the loudspeaker.