Wednesday, July 14, 2010

The Monologist: 7/14/2010

Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are getting engaged. They are on the cover of US Weekly, where Bristol says that telling her mother will be "intimidating and scary". So instead of just telling her the news, Sarah Palin will find out the way everyone else does, while checking out at the grocery store.

A gubernatorial candidate in Colorado is in trouble today for apparently plagiarizing a part of an essay by a famous judge for his campaign. He said he would have written the quote himself, but his grandma died and his computer was all messed up again, he swears.

AT&T U-Verse subscribers are worried today as the company threatens to take away the popular AMC show "Mad Men" from their service. One fan was quoted as saying "Just give us one more season, just in case something actually happens in this one."

After his last heart attack, Dick Cheney has now been outfitted with a new heart device to combat congestive heart failure. With this news, he has climbed over Dr. Doom on the list of most menacing robotic super-villains.

Bono announced he is fully recovered after having an emergency back surgery. Doctors found that the problem with his back was that it had to hold up his giant ego for all these years.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Monologist: 7/9/2010

A new climate phenomenon known as "La Nina" is starting to take hold in the gulf. You might remember it's counterpart "El Nino". "La Nina" is worse, because it gets even more violent and devastating for about one week every month.

Last night Lebron James officially announced that he was leaving Cleveland to play for the Miami. He was quoted as saying "I thought to myself, where would my grandma go to play?"

Cleveland is absolutely devastated over Lebron James leaving. The mood is so bad in Cleveland that Detroit feels bad.

More Mel Gibson tapes are coming out that show him being verbally abusive to his now ex-wife. Apparently he said "I will bury you in the rose garden". This is violent and terrifying, but still probably the most romantic thing he's ever said.

In New York City they are considering raising taxes on cigarettes, which could make a pack cost up to $15 dollars. So not only can you not smoke in bars anymore, you can't smoke in your economic class.

Chrysler is offering a new 60-day money-back guarantee on all of their new vehicles. To make their vehicles sound more like something you could buy off of TV, if you buy one right now, they'll throw in a ShamWow for no extra charge.

Lance Armstrong is calling for his Radio Shack-sponsored team to once again take the lead in the Tour de France. This would mark the first time a Radio Shack employee has tried hard to do anything.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

The Monologist: 7/7/2010

An internet rumor today has been denied that Justin Bieber would be doing a concert in North Korea. Though if this concert had happened, I'm sure we would've reminded North Korea that Justin Bieber is actually Canadian, not American. We don't want any trouble.

Pop legend Prince told the Daily Mirror yesterday that "The Internet's Completely Over". He went to the Daily Mirror because there are no other printed newspapers left.

A woman is claiming $20 million in damages after she claims that the film "Death at a Funeral" took a story from a book she wrote about a similar experience as she was stripped of her clothing at a funeral. There's no word on whether or not she was also the inspiration behind "Big Momma's House 2". She wants $20 million, or in other words, $19 million more than that movie made.

Lebron James has decided to air his free-agency decision on ESPN tomorrow night. Though if he waits long enough he could probably get a series out of this.

Supreme Court Justice nominee Elena Kagan passed a series of tests to test that she does not have any religious preferences. Not much is known about the tests, but it's safe to say that she didn't call the cream cheese "schmeer".

NASA has released a videogame called Moonbase Alpha, in which you explore the moon and try to repair a space station. An early review of the game says "It's kind of like what it feels like to be an intern for the army in the game "Halo".