Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Jokes 3/31/10

In Tennessee a 70-year-old man rammed his SUV into another man's car because he had an "Obama/Biden" bumper sticker. Though officials say he might have also been reacting to the news that the man's child was an honor student at Mattlin Middle School.

Sandra Bullock's cheating husband Jesse James has entered rehab to save his marriage. There's no report as to when he will be returning to the PGA Tour.

Sarah Palin used her Facebook page to write an article where she warns against the "Second Holocaust" if Iran gets nuclear weapons. Though other republicans are denying that this terrible event ever happened.

In Washington D.C., hard-hit journalists are holding a contest to see who of them is the funniest journalist. Nearby, a similar event will be held to find the most honest politician.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Jokes 3/30/10

President Barack Obama will be signing a new measure to aid college students with their loans. He will be signing the bill at Northern Virginia Community College, but probably just until the government can afford to sign it at Northwestern.

Ricky Martin has officially come out of the closet, but let's face it, even his two-year-old surrogate sons have known for ten years.

Toyota has announced that they will be enlisting NASA to help them solve their problems with malfunctioning accelerators. NASA will also help Toyota by sending the company's CEO to Mars.

Scientists are saying that eating unhealthy foods may have a similar effect on people than using the drugs cocaine or heroin. That may be sort of true, but I still don't think that was confectioner's sugar coming out of Lindsay Lohan's shoes.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Jokes 3/25/10

In Japan they are releasing a robotic human that will be used for dentistry students to practice on. They are giving the robot life-like features, like moving eyelids, moving jaw and tongue, as well as the ability possibly say something racist while under anesthesia.

After complaints were made about a NYC jungle gym that resembles a jail, the city has decided to change around the Brooklyn park. The jungle gym jail will be turned into a jungle gym halfway house, where kids can settle back into the realities of life after getting out of the joint.

A Frenchman has been arrested after it was found out that he was the person who hacked into Barack Obama's twitter account. The incarcerated hacker then said "That's what you get for making your password "President1".

The Pentagon has enacted measures that would ease rules on the gay ban in the U.S. military. Soldiers still can't ask or tell, but now they can vote on American Idol without scrutiny.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Jokes 3/24/10

In the midst of a budget crisis, California has decided to alleviate its overcrowded jails by making parole easier. This will help the local economy improve, and will also make it easier for Vh1 to get reality show contestants.

California has come even closer to voting on a bill that would legalize marijuana in the state. Just don't get caught smoking weed with your same-sex partner, that would be dangerous.

A video of Joe Biden using the "f-word" has hit the internet today. A reporter then asked Biden, "Do you kiss Barack Obama's ass with that mouth?"

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Jokes 3/23/10

Nintendo has just announced that it will be releasing their DS handheld system in a version that supports 3-D. Though the system will not need 3-D glasses. A representative from Nintendo added, "We figured the game boy has already made enough kids need glasses."

A UN body has just rejected a call for certain species of shark to be protected from extinction from overfishing. So just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, it probably is because all of the sharks are dead.

A study was done that analyzed the portions in the painting "The Last Supper" are considerably less then versus how they are now. The researchers are halfway through their next project, finding out if the modern day Mona Lisa would have cankles.

Variety has reported that the Discovery channel has picked up the rights to the Sarah Palin reality show. It will be the crabbiest thing on the channel even after "Deadliest Catch"

The New Jersey Nets need to win two more games to avoid having the worst season in NBA basketball history. Despite this season failure, the Nets are still going to be moving to Brooklyn next year, but to a not-so-nice part of Brooklyn.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Jokes 3/22/10

Healthcare!!! Yesterday night a bill finally passed to enact healthcare reform in America. We should all celebrate by getting unnecessary surgeries. The bill states that health insurance will be much like car insurance, in that it will become legally mandatory, and it will be sold to you by a talking gecko.

A volcano has erupted in Iceland causing hundreds to flee. Now if I remember correctly, the pneumonic device was "Greenland is Icy, Iceland is covered by molten ash."

Actor Ben Affleck has launched a new campaign to raise awareness about the atrocities committed against women in the East Congo in America. At the same time, the East Congo is launching a campaign to raise awareness about Ben Affleck in America.

In the NCAA tournament, low-seeded Cornell has dominated another round of play. Apparently college basketball tournament games have a verbal section now.

FOX has released a list of the riskiest Online Cities in America. Finally a list of cities with the word "Riskiest" that Detroit doesn't automatically top.

Astronaut Buzz Aldrin will be on the next season of "Dancing With the Stars", but everyone thinks he's probably just to come in second right behind Neil Armstrong, again.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Jokes 3/18/10

Welcome to the morning after St. Patrick's Day, where everyone is still just a little bit Irish.

Singapore has just opened it's own Universal Studios Theme Park today. In this park you'll be able to ride all of the bootlegs of the movies.

Rangers manager Ron Washington has apologized for testing positive for cocaine last month. The team knew he was on cocaine when baserunners became confused as to what the signal for "grinding your teeth" was.

A sex shop in Europe is being fined after trying to get a tax break by calling itself a "cinema" because they show pornographic movies. The owner was discouraged, but went on to say that they might try to call the shop a police station next week, on the count that they sell handcuffs.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Jokes 3/17/10

Today people across America are going green -- but not in the good, helpful way. As a result of severe winter storms, there will be a shortage of Shamrocks this year, which is putting a lot of St. Patrick's Day festivities on shaky ground in Ireland. Wait, you can't get drunk on shamrocks? Oh, then never mind. Game on.

A man in Montana is alive after being stuck in a snowbank for four whole days. Unfortunately snowbanks in America aren't like regular banks in America, which disappear after only two days.

The Smithsonian has just opened a $21 million exhibit hall about human evolution. Devout creationists believe the exhibit exists, but thinks it was actually built by god in seven days.

A U.S. fertility clinic is facing problems after they offered British Woman at a seminar a chance to win free fertile eggs in a raffle. Though this plan went over a lot better than their previous idea, sperm toss.

Fox has announced that it will release the DVD for "Avatar" in three different versions over the next year, releasing a 2D version, a 3D version, and an ultimate extended special edition version. A Fox spokesperson said "By the end of the year we might finally be able to buy that unobtanium we've always wanted.

Happy St. Patty's

-Jesse O' McSachs

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Jokes 3/16/10

Debate has been sparked after Disney announced that it would release the DVD of "Alice in Wonderland" only three months after its theatrical release. This doesn't seem like a controversy, but apparently Disney has never been to Chinatown, where you can get the DVD to "Alice and Wonderland" right now.

A report finds that the FBI has been using social networking sites like twitter and facebook in order to make fake profiles and go undercover to gather private information. As a twitter user myself, I really hope the feds never find out that I just ate a sugar cookie, or that I liked the Iron Man 2 trailer.

Tiger Woods has announced his return to the Masters Tournament for this year. Tiger Woods has been out of golf for over four months, so analysts don't expect him to win this tournament, though he is a sure-fire pick to win the Player's Ball and the ESPY award for lifetime achievement in boning.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Jokes 3/15/10

A study shows that children who misbehave are more likely to report chronic pain as an adult. Scientists also tried to find out why better behaving children are always hitting themselves? Why are they always hitting themselves?

A Swiss watch designer has created a $12,000 watch that is, get this, made completely out of fossilized dinosaur dung. So when someone asks you what time it is, you can say "I don't know, my watch is made out of dinosaur dung."

Soccer star David Beckham has apparently completely torn his achilles tendon. This is the biggest news to come out of soccer since someone actually scored a goal last year.

There is a rumor that the show "24" will be moving over to NBC. In this season, Jack Bauer will have to go to Los Angeles to take care of a giant bomb, "The Marriage Ref".

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Jokes 3/11/10

Tiger Woods has apparently hired former Press Secretary for George W. Bush Ari Fleischer to help him rehabilitate his public image. I'm not sure if it'll help his approval rating, but at least it'll help Tiger Woods go to war with Iraq.

The Internet has been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize. The actual award will be shared by Charlie Bit My Finger and Lindsay Lohan's vagina.

Conan O' Brien has announced a nationwide tour after he was forced off of television only a few months ago by NBC. The tour will have about twenty stops, but will likely miss a few when Jay Leno slashes the tires of his tour bus.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Jokes 3/10/10

A New York City chef has started to produce a cheese that is made from his wife's breastmilk. I'd stay away from his restaurant, but especially his lemonade stand and fudge shop around the corner.

Charlie Sheen has announced that he will be returning to "Two and a Half Men" after going back into rehab, thus halting the show's production. When he comes out the show will be called "Four and a Half Men", in order to compensate for Sheen's social worker and parole officer.

The former CBS producer that tried to blackmail David Letterman has pleaded guilty today in court. So if you're a late night talk show host on CBS people will try to extort you, as opposed to being a late night talk show host on NBC where they just straight f*ck you.

According to the CDC, the rates of genital herpes in the United States is still high. Finally, a statistic the economy hasn't lowered.

Today new Math and English standards have been drafted to be more rigorous and uniform in schools. The government is reportedly paying $350 million dollars for this project, though there's a very good chance that is a counting error or typo.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Jokes 3/9/10

The domain name sex.com will be going up for auction, and it looks like it will be selling for over $14 million dollars. The sale price of sex.com will most likely exceed the sale prices of similiar sites sex.edu and sex.gov.

In London today, a sequel to "Phantom of the Opera" is opening. This sequel will be bigger, sexier, and the phantom will be replaced by Don Cheadle.

Pink Floyd is battling a case against their label EMI for online royalties for their albums. Apparently the opening arguments for the court case will sync up perfectly with "The Wizard of Oz".

Officials in Cyprus are saying that the motive behind thieves stealing the corpse of ex-president Tassos Papadopolous was likely ransom. They're taking ransom for a man who has been dead for over a year. Experts are saying these criminals next target will be the 1996 Olympics.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Jokes: 3/8/10

Today former House Majority Leader Tom Delay was quoted as saying that people in America are unemployed because they want to be. So in a few years or so be prepared to give a lot of feedback on those screenplays that ten percent of Americans are taking time off to write.

The Oscars were last night, and let me just say, Alec Baldwin has been trying so hard to not be my favorite Baldwin anymore. The film "The Hurt Locker" beat out other favorite "Avatar" in many categories. As you might know, the director of "The Hurt Locker" Kathryn Bigelow used to be married to the director of "Avatar" James Cameron. All I'm saying is that this situation would make a great comedy, but unfortunately would never win an Oscar because it's a comedy.

Studies have found that women who frequently drink alcohol in moderation are more likely to keep their weight down. In other studies, men who frequently drink alcohol in moderation are more likely to be called a "pussy" by their friends.

A new study finds that Black and Hispanic Americans are more likely to lose sleep over job and money worries. That may be an interesting observation about the differences between races, but definitely couldn't sustain its own lame stand-up comedy bit.

Apparently Texans who live near the Mexican border are starting to use twitter in order to relay information to fight organized crime in Mexico. So now twitter can really do it all, oh, except make real money.

A Kentucky woman is being charged with assault after squirting breast milk at a female guard while she was in jail. The woman was originally put in jail for public intoxication, which probably explained how her cellmates were able to have "Slippery Nipples" that night. (I'm so sorry for this last one, I swear)

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Jokes: 3/4/10

The Senate just rejected a bill that would give 57 million elderly Americans a check for $250. A senator who was against the bill said "Now I can finally get back at my grandparents for always giving me checks for $13."

Also today in Senate, senators are pushing to lift a ban on blood donations from gay men. I feel like they decided that the vampires from "Twilight" were finally ready to give some blood back.

In South Korea, the company Samsung has just unveiled a refrigerator with built-in internet. So that means while you are at the fridge you can look up recipes, or get e-mails, or find out exactly when you ran out of stupid crap to buy.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Jokes: 3/3/10

An Israeli army raid was called off after an Israeli soldier divulged the specific plans to attack a West Bank village on his facebook page. The soldier obviously regrets not making the attack a "secret" event.

A representative for the EU is stating that genetically modified foods are an unavoidable part of the future for the world. When asked about the difference between regular foods and genetically modified foods he said "It's silly. That's like comparing apples to mega-oranges."

Apparently a bomb was detonated at a school in Detroit. People were evacuated but no one was hurt. Experts don't know why the bomb didn't explode correctly, but this is Detroit, the bomb was probably too depressed to work right.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Jokes: 3/2/10

The suit that O.J. Simpson wore when he was acquitted of murder is going to be donated to the Smithsonian. It will put up next to the chair that Archie Bunker used to kill all of those people.

GM is recalling 1.3 million cars due to a problem with power steering, and therefore picking the worst time ever to rip off an idea from Toyota.

Four California men are being charged for hacking into websites in order to illegally obtain more than a million tickets to concerts and sporting events, and then reselling them for a huge profit. They called their project: Ticketmaster.

Lebron James has filed to get his number changed from 23, to 6. While most people think this change is out of reverence to Michael Jordan, he actually wanted to change his number to the amount of people who still care about the NBA.

The city of Topeka Kansas will be temporarily renamed "Google, Kansas" in order to get the company to test an ultra-fast connection in the city. In other news, Detroit will be renamed "Any company please come and help us, please".

*themonologist is on twitter!!!
http://twitter.com/TheMonologist
Follow Me.
That is all.

-Jesse

Monday, March 1, 2010

Jokes: 3/1/10

After gun activists started bringing firearms into Starbucks locations, the company has declared that they will not take any action against those people. In related news, Starbucks employees will never mess up another order ever again.

Tonight Jay Leno will host "The Tonight Show" again. His guests tonight will be Jamie Foxx, Lindsay Vonn, and finally, the angry ghost of Johnny Carson.

Big news at the olympics, the Canadians beat the United States hockey team 3-2 to win the gold medal. Well at least we still dominate all of the stupid sports that we invented.

It has just been revealed the the new Shrek film will open up the Tribeca Film Festival, so in this installment get ready for Shrek to discover himself sexually with the gingerbread man.

The Playstation Network, the PS3's online gaming service was shut down for about a day over the weekend because of a glitch. Though on the bright side, your little brother is devastated.

Economy news: In Michigan today, a local pedestrian bridge was sold for one dollar, which is great news because a month ago they were going to outsource the bridge to India for half of that.

Apparently Minnesota Timberwolves star Al Jefferson was arrested and charged with a fourth degree DWI yesterday morning. No one is sure what made him do this, but we all have a pretty good feeling it was mostly because he plays for the Minnesota Timberwolves.