Thursday, September 30, 2010

Monologist 9/30/2010

Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad Ochocinco's cereal box is being pulled off of shelves because one of the phone numbers on the box is a typo, and leads to a phone sex line. When asked about this, a representative said "It was a mistake, that number was supposed to go on Ben Roethlisberger's cereal box."

In Japan, Panasonic has developed a robot that washes your hair. Some of the features of this robot include shampooing, scalp massaging, and never shutting up about its opinion on why men are jerks.

"The Social Network" hits theaters tonight at midnight. Critics are already saying that the movie is "defining of a generation", but if that were true, then why isn't this movie in IMAX 3D?

A Russian firm has announced that it is developing a hotel on the International Space Station. Though if you really wanted to vacation in a place that is cold and is always dark, you should probably try Russia first.

It was announced today that the Star Wars movies will be re-released in 3-D. Fans are not happy about this, most likely because they all already have to wear glasses.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Monologist 9/27/10

Today the owner of the company that makes the Segway died as he fell of a cliff while riding a Segway, so if I were the owner of Subway, I'd probably avoid riding underground mass transit.

Today the temperature in Los Angeles has reached a record 113 degrees. Local weather officials are calling this "Kardashian Weather", clarifying by saying "Look, we get it. You're hot. Now go away forever."

Southwest Airlines has bought AirTran for $1.4 billion dollars, or roughly as much as it costs to check four bags on Southwest Airlines.

President Barack Obama recently issued a request to have America lengthen the school year by one month. He also announced that Santa Claus was dead and that candy will now be illegal.

In Japan, an eight car pile-up was caused by a large amount of mayonnaise that fell off the back of a truck. The traffic was also stopped after people kept trying to make a weird porno in the street.

Scientists now have access to a DNA database of dogs that will allegedly help prosecute dogfighters and curb dogfighting altogether. Another thing helping to curb dogfighting, the fact that Michael Vick has a job playing football again.