Thursday, October 14, 2010

The Monologist 10/14/10

Suffolk County NY is starting a published list of animal abusers, a lot like the one used for sex offenders. So now you'll know which houses not to trick or treat at, especially if your child is dressed as Snoopy.

A 76 year-old man who engineered a major ponzi scheme is being charged today. The press are calling him "mini-Madoff", but will probably have to change that when they realize that this is also Bernie Madoff's nickname in prison.

Yesterday the 33 miners in Chile were finally rescued after being trapped in a collapsed mine tunnel. People are now saying that these men will be brought with much fame. So get ready for next year's smash hit "The Real Housewives of a Collapsed Mine Tunnel in Chile"

In the race for Connecticut Senator, Dick Blumenthal seems to be pulling away from WWE executive Linda McMahon. Though this shouldn't matter, as everyone knows elections are fake.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Mini-Monology: 10/7/2010

In NYC, the FBI has seized a set of John Lennon's fingerprints from a memorabilia shop. Now I'm no FBI agent, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say that John Lennon didn't commit this crime.

In Hungary, there was an incident at a factory that sent toxic red sludge into the Danube River, causing much environmental damage. While no one knows what the nature of this hazardous red sludge is, we can only assume that the factory that makes Spaghettio's is located in Hungary.

Scientists have said that there is a rare Japanese plant that has the biggest genome yet. This is important to the scientific community, as well as the other plants that will have to start driving hummers to overcompensate.

Monday, October 4, 2010

The Monologist: 10/4/2010

Bob Edwards, a scientist who developed the test-tube method for in vitro fertilization, has been awarded with a Nobel Prize today. Edwards has often been called the "Father of the test-tube baby", but we won't know for sure until he goes on Maury next week.

A study has shown that while younger couples are more likely to use condoms, older people are less likely to use condoms. When asked about their study, a researcher said "I don't want to be a scientist anymore. I quit."

Evan Williams, the co-founder of Twitter is stepping down as CEO today. He says he's stepping down to focus on product strategy, but most people believe he's trying to get Aaron Sorkin to write a movie about him.

In Sao Paolo, a famous Brazilian clown has been voted to be on congress. All that is known about him is that his entire staff will all travel in the same tiny car. While Brazilians are frustrated to have a clown in congress, America had one as president for eight years.