Thursday, May 26, 2011

The Monologist 5/27/11

Google is trying to launch "Google Wallet", which lets you use your smartphone as a primary means of payment. This is great news for everyone, but especially for drunk people, who now won't have to choose between buying something stupid on eBay and calling all of their ex-girlfriends.

British pop-star Cheryl Cole has been dropped as a judge of Simon Cowell's new singing show "The X-Factor". Reports say the formal reason they fired her was because they thought US audiences would have trouble with her accent. Oddly enough, they think US audiences won't have a problem with Paul Abdul's neck.

The "Mullet Bandit" has struck again. A mullet-wearing man has reportedly robbed another bank in Ohio. Nobody knows exactly why he has started to rob banks, but we can only assume he is trying to get enough money to pay for the rest of his haircut.

According to Sony, development of the PS4 has just begun. I'm being told it has already been hacked twice.

Amy Winehouse has once again checked into a drug treatment program. Hehe, you guys, it's a lot like that song she sings. You know. I think it's called "I'm a Gross Drug Addict".

Monday, May 16, 2011

The Monologist 5/16/11

A new product line called "Lazy Cakes", which are pastries that help you fall asleep at night, is becoming a popular solution to insomnia. It has become so popular that they are reaching out into the medicinal pastry market, and will soon be releasing a delicious ED medication called Pie-agra.

CNN anchor Don Lemon has publicly announced that he is gay. Wow, 'Don Lemon' is an interesting way to pronounce "Anderson Cooper".

A large amount of Entemann's donuts have been recalled for having an odd smell to them. Though most experts believe that the smell is just coming from the gross apartments of anyone who would actually eat Entemann's donuts.

Donald Trump has announced that he will NOT be running for President. He will instead be focusing on continuing to host "The Apprentice" on NBC. On a similar note, it was found that Newt Gingrich decided to run for President because his season of "The Bachelor" didn't quite pan out.

A mob boss by the name of "Vinny Gorgeous" has been found guilty of capital murder. Something tells me that nickname will definitely stick with him when he's in prison.

Theoretical Physicist Stephen Hawking recently dismissed the idea of heaven, saying "there is no heaven or afterlife for broken down computers; that is a fairy tale for people who are afraid of the dark". Did I say "theoretical physicist"? I meant to say "goth icon" Stephen Hawking.

Monday, April 18, 2011

The Monologist 4/18/11 is announcing that it will begin to check that its members are not also on the national sex offender registry. In a similar move, J-Date will begin to check that all its members are good to their mothers.

There is a report stating that Camel meat could be the newest big food export from Australia. Experts are saying they are making this switch because Outback Steakhouse has "completely destroyed the reputation of beef."

The Philadelphia Orchestra has declared that will file for chapter 11 bankruptcy. When asked about it, a member of the horn section said ""

Cincinnati Reds pitcher Mike Leake was arrested today after he was discovered to be shoplifting from a department store. He's on my fantasy team, and I better not lose a point for "Caught Stealing".

After being arrested this weekend for domestic abuse, Nicolas Cage is back on set filming today. While his crime was terrible, whatever movie he's making right now is inevitably going to be an even worse crime against humanity.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Monologist 4/13/11

IBM is training its computers to predict traffic well ahead of time using various data and statistics. According to the computer, the 101 will be clear tomorrow, but the 405 will be congested as the computer will become self-aware and launch all of America's nuclear devices at it.

A German politician has been caught after he stole over 200 rolls of toilet paper from the bathrooms in a town hall. This kind of thing would never happen to American politicians, who while corrupt, never need to clean up their own bullshit.

A study has found that skin cells of schizophrenic patients can be turned into stem cells which then can be used to probe the disease. Said a schizophrenic patient, "And you laughed at me when I said my skin would cure me!"

A new iPhone app has been released that lets you take a picture of a food item, and it will calculate how many calories it contains. The app is called MealSnap, but will soon be known as the "Stop sending us these, your penis is not food" app.

In other penis news, a recently deceased 95-year-old man in Iceland will be donating his penis to the Icelandic Phallological Museum, making it their first human specimen. Now when his family says they are going to "visit grandpa", they have to be a lot more specific.

A new law is trying to be passed in Texas that would allow concealed firearms in college classrooms. This would be a big deal, except for the fact that college kids in Texas never ever show up for class.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

The Monologist 3/30/11

A rare dinosaur has just been discovered in an oil-sand expanse in Canada. While we don't know much about the species at this time, we can assume that it was humble and loved hockey.

In his new book, Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen slams Bill Gates for trying to grab more shares of the company from him. The book is called "Paul Allen: The Vast Complaints Of A Multi-Billionaire"

An Indian state has banned a new biography about Gandhi because they claim it describes the leader as a racist bisexual. Apparently the Gandhi biography was mistaken for the biography of Glenn Beck.

Google announced that the first city it would bring a brand new ultra-fast broadband network to will be Kansas City. A representative for google said "It's a trial program, so first we're going to use a city that has no information to transmit."

A morbidly-obese Ohio man was founded dead in his chair that he couldn't get out of for two years. The report said that his roommates found him, which should make you feel okay about how disgusting your roommates are.

Judge Judy is in the hospital after feeling ill during a taping of her show. While she should be back soon, this is great news for any mechanic who owes $300 in damages to somebody.

Monday, March 28, 2011

The Monologist 3/28/11

A deadly cobra has escaped inside the Bronx Zoo, and the whole reptile section has been closed. While it is unsafe to be in that part of the zoo right now, it's still a much safer place to be than anywhere else in the Bronx.

It was announced that Jimmy Fallon will be the new video host of the Universal Studios tram ride in Hollywood. The ride will change a little bit as well. Not only will he be replacing Whoopi Goldberg, the ride will be extended 15 minutes to compensate for Fallon cracking up in the middle of all of the segments.

The latest tiger census in India shows a marked increase in the numbers of the endangered predator. While those numbers are up, the numbers of 'tiger census takers' are way down.

A study shows that teens who get gastric-bypass surgery lose bone density with in the next 2 years. Now if they get fat again, they can't used to excuse that they are "big boned".

Scientists have discovered a new fiber that is stronger than kevlar, but is made entirely from bananas and pineapples. It has been predicted that this new material will be what cars will be made with in the future. To compensate for this predicted lack of pineapples and bananas, smoothies will now be made of sheet metal.

The company 'Harry and David', which specializes in fruit baskets, has just filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy. You know you're in trouble when you can't beat the competition from "Edible Arrangements".

The movie "Battle: Los Angeles" is still the top-grossing film overseas. More people would've gone to see the disaster movie in the U.S., but they decided that if they wanted to see Los Angeles collapse they could wait a week when gas hits $5.00 a gallon.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

The Monologist: 3/17/11

About 170,000 pogo sticks are being recalled due to a large injury risk to kids. It's not because the pogo sticks are dangerous; it's because the kids are getting beaten up for having a pogo stick.

A woman in New Mexico is suing a Chili's restaurant after piercing her tongue on a 2-inch-long sewing needle found in her food. This is unusual for Chili's, as most people who eat there get sharp stabbing pains after they eat.
An Ohio man has been arrested after he robbed a bank, and then tried to board a city bus as a getaway vehicle. The economy has hit criminals hard too, which is why police are reporting that this month 75% of drive-by shootings have taken place as part of carpools.

President Barack Obama has filled out his March Madness bracket for the third year in a row. It was announced that he has chosen Duke, Kansas, Ohio State, and Pittsburgh to be in the Final Four. So tune into Fox News tonight to find out why these choices are so 'cowardly and elitist'.

With the NFL Labor talks falling through, players are beginning to look at other options if the sport gets locked out next year. Chad Ochocinco is trying out for a Major League Soccer team, a few players have signed on to play in the arena leagues, and Ben Roethlisberger has joined "Adult Friend Finder".

An L.A. County judge is under a lot of scrutiny after he made an "offensive and inappropriate" reference to the Ku Klux Klan during the case of two African Americans on trial for robbery. If he's fired it shouldn't be a huge life change, the only difference being that now the robe he has to wear will be white.

Banks have begun to test out having a $5 fee for ATM's. This will mark the first time an ATM machine can rob you.

Today is St. Paddy's day, so to celebrate you should do what the Irish did, and get kicked out of whatever place you decide to go to. Be safe!

Monday, February 14, 2011

The Monologist 2/14/11

In Hong Kong a McDonalds has started to offer weddings inside their restaurant. This will be perfect for couples who don't want to waste any time after their wedding to 'go off the wagon'. They also offer a honeymoon package, where you will spend one all-expenses-paid week in a Denny's.

Tonight Watson, the computer robot built to play Jeopardy, will take on human contestants on the show. Unfortunately the only robot that will be featured on "The Wheel of Fortune" tonight will be Vanna White.

A 19-year-old blogger in Syria has been sentenced to 5 years in jail for writing posts about the suffering of Palestinians. Though after he's out of jail, he should make a lot of money when the blog is turned into a sitcom called "Shit My Despotic Government Says".

One of the members of the "Never Miss a Super Bowl" club has passed away today. Unfortunately, his family are still members of the "Always Miss A Funeral" club.

The State of Arizona is trying to pass a law that says that hospitals have to start checking the citizenship status of their patients. This law is obviously targeting all of those lazy Canadians who could just go home to get free healthcare.

A New York City condom company has just launched an iPhone app that helps you find a place to get condoms. So now if you get an STD, you can say it was because you were too busy playing 'Angry Birds'.

40-year-old Tonya Harding is pregnant. WHHHHYYYYYYYYYY!?!?!?! WHHHHYYYYYYYYYYY!?!?!?!

Friday, January 21, 2011

Monologist Announcement!!!

Comedy is hard. Like, really hard.

When I set out to do this project every day, I might have bitten off just a little bit more than I could chew, and I should have known. I love late-night talk shows; I really do. The problem is, it's well known (and pretty much undeniable) that the monologue is the worst part about the modern late-night talk show.

When you're on four days a week every week, nobody says your material has to be timeless. It just has to be relevant, or recent, and that seems to be enough. The material can be pretty middling, and without the advantage of a charismatic or self-depricating Redhead host, it can be near impossible. I'd hate nothing more than to commit to mediocre comedy.

And on the other hand, SNL's "Weekend Update" is a great example of what I'd like to accomplish. A whole week's log of great jokes, not to mention great photoshop gags? It sounds like paradise for me -- so that's exactly what I'm aiming to do. It's quality over quantity in the best way possible.

So starting in the near future, I will be committing myself to putting out the best week of jokes I can come up with, along with funny photoshop accompaniments -- using my very rudimentary knowledge of a Photoshop Edition so old that the pop-up paperclip has since died of old age.

Get psyched. And thank you to all of my friends who follow this blog. It really means a lot to me -- I intend to give back in a huge way.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

The Monologist 1/11/11

Jersey Shore's "Snooki" will be releasing a novel she wrote called "A Shore Thing". She decided to not go with her original titles, "A Tale of Huge Titties", or "The Color Orange".

The earliest known winery has been found in a cave in a mountain in Armenia. Scientists expect to make a similar discovery in a few days, the earliest known "rich douchebag."

Korean Director Park Chan-Wook has directed the first major motion picture that was shot completely on an iPhone. This film was almost not the first, as Hollywood decided not to distribute my iPhone movie, "Jesse Draws Things On Passed Out Friend"

Jay-Z and Kanye West have officially released the first song from collaboration, "H.A.M.". While the song is good, fans are eagerly awaiting the next song, when the two artists will have a way with "B.O.L.O.G.N.A."

MySpace has announced that it will be cutting almost half of its employees. It looks like Tom is about to make a lot more enemies.

Internet sensation and former homeless man Ted Williams was briefly held by police in LA after a loud argument with his daughter. Cops are not releasing who called the police, though most people assume it was a team of "jealous hobos."