Wednesday, March 30, 2011

The Monologist 3/30/11

A rare dinosaur has just been discovered in an oil-sand expanse in Canada. While we don't know much about the species at this time, we can assume that it was humble and loved hockey.

In his new book, Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen slams Bill Gates for trying to grab more shares of the company from him. The book is called "Paul Allen: The Vast Complaints Of A Multi-Billionaire"

An Indian state has banned a new biography about Gandhi because they claim it describes the leader as a racist bisexual. Apparently the Gandhi biography was mistaken for the biography of Glenn Beck.

Google announced that the first city it would bring a brand new ultra-fast broadband network to will be Kansas City. A representative for google said "It's a trial program, so first we're going to use a city that has no information to transmit."

A morbidly-obese Ohio man was founded dead in his chair that he couldn't get out of for two years. The report said that his roommates found him, which should make you feel okay about how disgusting your roommates are.

Judge Judy is in the hospital after feeling ill during a taping of her show. While she should be back soon, this is great news for any mechanic who owes $300 in damages to somebody.

Monday, March 28, 2011

The Monologist 3/28/11

A deadly cobra has escaped inside the Bronx Zoo, and the whole reptile section has been closed. While it is unsafe to be in that part of the zoo right now, it's still a much safer place to be than anywhere else in the Bronx.

It was announced that Jimmy Fallon will be the new video host of the Universal Studios tram ride in Hollywood. The ride will change a little bit as well. Not only will he be replacing Whoopi Goldberg, the ride will be extended 15 minutes to compensate for Fallon cracking up in the middle of all of the segments.

The latest tiger census in India shows a marked increase in the numbers of the endangered predator. While those numbers are up, the numbers of 'tiger census takers' are way down.

A study shows that teens who get gastric-bypass surgery lose bone density with in the next 2 years. Now if they get fat again, they can't used to excuse that they are "big boned".

Scientists have discovered a new fiber that is stronger than kevlar, but is made entirely from bananas and pineapples. It has been predicted that this new material will be what cars will be made with in the future. To compensate for this predicted lack of pineapples and bananas, smoothies will now be made of sheet metal.

The company 'Harry and David', which specializes in fruit baskets, has just filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy. You know you're in trouble when you can't beat the competition from "Edible Arrangements".

The movie "Battle: Los Angeles" is still the top-grossing film overseas. More people would've gone to see the disaster movie in the U.S., but they decided that if they wanted to see Los Angeles collapse they could wait a week when gas hits $5.00 a gallon.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

The Monologist: 3/17/11

About 170,000 pogo sticks are being recalled due to a large injury risk to kids. It's not because the pogo sticks are dangerous; it's because the kids are getting beaten up for having a pogo stick.

A woman in New Mexico is suing a Chili's restaurant after piercing her tongue on a 2-inch-long sewing needle found in her food. This is unusual for Chili's, as most people who eat there get sharp stabbing pains after they eat.
An Ohio man has been arrested after he robbed a bank, and then tried to board a city bus as a getaway vehicle. The economy has hit criminals hard too, which is why police are reporting that this month 75% of drive-by shootings have taken place as part of carpools.

President Barack Obama has filled out his March Madness bracket for the third year in a row. It was announced that he has chosen Duke, Kansas, Ohio State, and Pittsburgh to be in the Final Four. So tune into Fox News tonight to find out why these choices are so 'cowardly and elitist'.

With the NFL Labor talks falling through, players are beginning to look at other options if the sport gets locked out next year. Chad Ochocinco is trying out for a Major League Soccer team, a few players have signed on to play in the arena leagues, and Ben Roethlisberger has joined "Adult Friend Finder".

An L.A. County judge is under a lot of scrutiny after he made an "offensive and inappropriate" reference to the Ku Klux Klan during the case of two African Americans on trial for robbery. If he's fired it shouldn't be a huge life change, the only difference being that now the robe he has to wear will be white.

Banks have begun to test out having a $5 fee for ATM's. This will mark the first time an ATM machine can rob you.

Today is St. Paddy's day, so to celebrate you should do what the Irish did, and get kicked out of whatever place you decide to go to. Be safe!