Monday, April 18, 2011

The Monologist 4/18/11

Match.com is announcing that it will begin to check that its members are not also on the national sex offender registry. In a similar move, J-Date will begin to check that all its members are good to their mothers.

There is a report stating that Camel meat could be the newest big food export from Australia. Experts are saying they are making this switch because Outback Steakhouse has "completely destroyed the reputation of beef."

The Philadelphia Orchestra has declared that will file for chapter 11 bankruptcy. When asked about it, a member of the horn section said "http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iMpXAknykeg"

Cincinnati Reds pitcher Mike Leake was arrested today after he was discovered to be shoplifting from a department store. He's on my fantasy team, and I better not lose a point for "Caught Stealing".

After being arrested this weekend for domestic abuse, Nicolas Cage is back on set filming today. While his crime was terrible, whatever movie he's making right now is inevitably going to be an even worse crime against humanity.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Monologist 4/13/11

IBM is training its computers to predict traffic well ahead of time using various data and statistics. According to the computer, the 101 will be clear tomorrow, but the 405 will be congested as the computer will become self-aware and launch all of America's nuclear devices at it.

A German politician has been caught after he stole over 200 rolls of toilet paper from the bathrooms in a town hall. This kind of thing would never happen to American politicians, who while corrupt, never need to clean up their own bullshit.

A study has found that skin cells of schizophrenic patients can be turned into stem cells which then can be used to probe the disease. Said a schizophrenic patient, "And you laughed at me when I said my skin would cure me!"

A new iPhone app has been released that lets you take a picture of a food item, and it will calculate how many calories it contains. The app is called MealSnap, but will soon be known as the "Stop sending us these, your penis is not food" app.

In other penis news, a recently deceased 95-year-old man in Iceland will be donating his penis to the Icelandic Phallological Museum, making it their first human specimen. Now when his family says they are going to "visit grandpa", they have to be a lot more specific.

A new law is trying to be passed in Texas that would allow concealed firearms in college classrooms. This would be a big deal, except for the fact that college kids in Texas never ever show up for class.