Thursday, May 26, 2011

The Monologist 5/27/11

Google is trying to launch "Google Wallet", which lets you use your smartphone as a primary means of payment. This is great news for everyone, but especially for drunk people, who now won't have to choose between buying something stupid on eBay and calling all of their ex-girlfriends.

British pop-star Cheryl Cole has been dropped as a judge of Simon Cowell's new singing show "The X-Factor". Reports say the formal reason they fired her was because they thought US audiences would have trouble with her accent. Oddly enough, they think US audiences won't have a problem with Paul Abdul's neck.

The "Mullet Bandit" has struck again. A mullet-wearing man has reportedly robbed another bank in Ohio. Nobody knows exactly why he has started to rob banks, but we can only assume he is trying to get enough money to pay for the rest of his haircut.

According to Sony, development of the PS4 has just begun. I'm being told it has already been hacked twice.

Amy Winehouse has once again checked into a drug treatment program. Hehe, you guys, it's a lot like that song she sings. You know. I think it's called "I'm a Gross Drug Addict".

Monday, May 16, 2011

The Monologist 5/16/11

A new product line called "Lazy Cakes", which are pastries that help you fall asleep at night, is becoming a popular solution to insomnia. It has become so popular that they are reaching out into the medicinal pastry market, and will soon be releasing a delicious ED medication called Pie-agra.

CNN anchor Don Lemon has publicly announced that he is gay. Wow, 'Don Lemon' is an interesting way to pronounce "Anderson Cooper".

A large amount of Entemann's donuts have been recalled for having an odd smell to them. Though most experts believe that the smell is just coming from the gross apartments of anyone who would actually eat Entemann's donuts.

Donald Trump has announced that he will NOT be running for President. He will instead be focusing on continuing to host "The Apprentice" on NBC. On a similar note, it was found that Newt Gingrich decided to run for President because his season of "The Bachelor" didn't quite pan out.

A mob boss by the name of "Vinny Gorgeous" has been found guilty of capital murder. Something tells me that nickname will definitely stick with him when he's in prison.

Theoretical Physicist Stephen Hawking recently dismissed the idea of heaven, saying "there is no heaven or afterlife for broken down computers; that is a fairy tale for people who are afraid of the dark". Did I say "theoretical physicist"? I meant to say "goth icon" Stephen Hawking.